I wasn't comfortable in my skin.
Especially when someone expressed discontent, criticism or anger towards me. I used to quickly abandon ship and swim to the next island.
One of the most painful human experiences has to be self-abandonment. Lack of self-compassion and self-care. Not being able to sit with and witness one's self. Relying on everything and everyone else to do the most important Work: to love one's self.
And the inevitable tragedy of actually no one being at home to be loved.
My boundaries were thin and I was permeable. That exhausted me. At the end of a 5-year nomadic journey, I needed four walls around me and be still. My energy, my juice, my life force, my nectar was fed into countless seeds, connections, networks, projects, relationships in the world - which is beautiful - but why did it leave me so depleted, so malnourished?
So I found myself four walls and I sat in it quietly. For as long as it took to calm my anxious mind and exhausted body. I stitched my Soul again to the rest of my being. I rested in my brokenness, knowing the fecundity of this dark soil.
I sat still while storms raged in front of my window, snow fell and rains washed the Earth over and over.
I sat wrapped in my blanket my grandma knitted for me before she passed away.
I sat until the wild flowers blossomed again and even then I continued sitting. Sunshine and birdsong seduced me out of my stillness into spontaneous sound and movement but I went back to sitting because my wings are still too young.
There's a gate within into a timeless and spacious realm of wholeness - beyond right and wrong -, an infinite Source of beingness.
This is where I landed often when I could allow myself to "feel" whatever was present. I breathed into my experience and sat through chaos and anger and grief without knowing my destination, for hours and hours. The practice: witnessing and being present. I wasn't always able to sit through the whole experience; sometimes I had to get up and get on with my day with a knot inside me. Sometimes I was too angry even to breathe. Or impatient. Or I fell asleep through my meditation. Didn't matter. Every morning at sunrise I returned to my purple meditation cushion in front of my altar, facing photos from the past - baby me, teenage me, young adult me laughing carelessly, my parents, my grandparents who passed away. Every morning, without needing an alarm clock, I rose with the sun, wrapped myself in my grandma's blanket and found my place, peeling layers off my tired body, got on with facing the real ME.
Once passed through this gate of "realness", forgiveness and gratitude flooded me. This is "GRACE" I told myself because it was nothing more or less.
In these past months, I had to learn to be small. Yes, not big, not great, not wonderful. I needed to experience being small - still, quiet, alone, off Facebook etc - and real to find my center and my taproot. I tapped into my well to fill my container which was empty with the holy nectar of Life. During this time I literally turned off the volume of the world and shut down most of communication channels so I can tune in without any distractions. I let go of holding the pulse of the world for a while. I cut out certain energetic threads in my life too
Like a friend of mine recently said, "I disappeared into Life".
When I began this process of diving in, I called it Zone Zero. (All my journeys have names) It inspired and informed my inner journey and reminded me of my commitment and direction of where I intended to move. And to Zone Zero I went, head on, with no holding back. Little by little I collected my pieces and stitched them together, praying everyday with gratitude for having this space and time to slow down.
After being a nomad for 5 years, I found that the greatest and most challenging adventure of life is sitting - as I sat in front of my altar for 3 months every day and night - and look within. breathing. allowing. contracting. raging. and then returning to silence and wholeness of life.
no Gurus, no teachers. just Self.
and a few loving witnesses.
Everyone needs a holy altar of Self, everyone deserves this much space, time and attention for one's Self. If this isn't the greatest medicine, I don't know what is. a gift that is between our lips, minds and hearts.