Over the past 13 years I've been on a quest to find out who I am, what I am here to do, where and how (my gifts) I belong in this world. Even though this quest might seem a lot like the hero's journey, for at least half of this mytho-poetic journey has been about uncovering the woman I am, inspired and guided by "divine Feminine" or Great Mother as I call Her. I took refuge in Her and asked Her to teach me, guide me, protect me and bless me. And so She did.
We traveled far and deep and I committed to learning Her ways, to living the Mystery and Unknown She is and She presents here and now and ever. She's been very gracious and generous towards me and I feel I traveled on the wings of Her angels.
"She (the woman) becomes identified with her animus and loses the vital link with her feminine identity, living on a false (for a woman) masculine level. Such a woman will then find herself in a double-bind situation, where her idealization of the masculine leads her to denigrate the feminine. Considering the thousands of years of the patriarchal inflation of the male principle it is hardly surprising that women who introject* this find themselves in the grip of a tyrannical, powerful and judgmental force that undermines their individual identity."
(to introject means "an unconscious defense mechanism in which one incorporates characteristics of another person or object into one's own psyche")
Yes, indeed, years ago my inquiry around the Feminine and what it means to be a woman started at the edge of a severe burn out: physical, mental, emotional exhaustion, spiritual disconnection and an overall numbness. I was suffering from self-inflicted wounds of control, mistrust, judgment and self-criticism. I, myself, had been a victim of the immature masculine force that had grown out of me. I was overwhelmed and disheartened and looked for the polar opposite as remedy; hence started this journey with and towards the Feminine through an extensive disintegration of a personality highly identified with negative aspects of the Animus or aspects of immature masculine.
The strange thing is now that I landed gently into the new chapter of my life, suddenly I am aware that something/someone has been/is missing. As I transition from a lot of movement and exploration in the World to more stillness, harvesting and contemplation within, I am noticing my attraction growing towards the other great archetypal energy - sacred Masculine or Father or you, my dear Animus.
"When the old, patriarchal, dominating masculinity no longer serves us, do we abandon masculinity altogether as a concept, archetype, and principle of life?"
Yes, I might have done that. In a world where an immature masculine (and immature feminine) wreak havoc, I might have hastily leaned into the "feminine" (and I observe this in many people, especially women, around me) so much that I forsook the great life force called "masculine". Regardless, it's part of my psyche; what I mean is that I have not been working with it at a conscious level which has certain implications.
Let's see. I am surrounded by a lot of women; not having found the motherly nurturing in my own birth-mother, I turned to Mother Earth and to my fellow sisters and I did me well. Through ceremonies, different healing modalities and women's circles, I feel I went quite a distance in healing the mother wound and coming into relationship with the feminine archetype. On the other side, there are very few men in my close circle of friends, and very few lovers. I do have male teachers, yes, but I don't necessarily have intimate relationships with them. My relationship with my father is less than ideal, even less than acceptable actually. Our Souls know each other, but our human minds and bodies do not know how to express this connection, this love. He's been a figure of absent/weak father and consequently there haven't been many male role models in my life, except a few spiritual teachers.
Clearly, men have been/are hardly present in my life - but there is hope - and I feel that it is quite relevant to my relationship with my own Animus which is noticeably premature at this point. This increasingly obvious absence and the longing to be in relationship with this aspect of life is now urging me to employ my sensibilities and intuition to receive it.
So what now?
Now that I am aware of what has been/is missing in my life, in my psyche, in my intentional Self-work, I rolled up my sleeves and set on this very thrilling quest to meet and romance my Animus, and cultivate a healthy relationship with him. My inquiry extends into calling upon a mature Masculine to be present in the world for by seeking, seeing, inviting and making visible, this great archetype can once again be the generative force that it is.
"We need to learn to love and be loved by the mature masculine. We need to learn to celebrate authentic masculine power and potency, not only for the sake of our personal well-being as men and for our relationships with others, but also because the crisis in mature masculinity feeds into the global crisis of survival we face as a species. Our dangerous and unstable world urgently needs mature men and mature women if our race is going to go on at all into the future."
— Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, "King, Warrior, Magician, Lover"
Do I know what to do and how to come into conscious relationship with the Animus and Sacred Masculine?
Not really, not precisely anyway but I have some insights and gut feeling. As soon as I became aware of this inquiry within me, I set an intention that I repeat everyday in my morning prayers which is more like an invitation to the Animus to show himself and for the Masculine archetype to guide me. I know that this intention and prayer will open doors and illuminate the so-far-dark areas of my psyche and will make possible to see, feel and know some things that I was not ready to see, feel and know prior to this stage.
I also started reading, writing and talking about the topic. It seems like many people around me are intrigued and passionate about this inquiry and are ready to jump into conversation.
Dreams are also quite informative in this process: I already noticed some pattern changes in my dreams since becoming aware of my inquiry around the masculine, and the way male figures are appearing in my dreams. I actually record my dreams and work with a friend of mine who is a dream intuitive to decode, integrate and metabolize them as food in my exploration.
and my father, and my male ancestors. How can I see them in their wholeness and honor them? What is their teaching for me? How may I see and acknowledge them with humility?
So, the mystery is at work! I am curious, excited and grateful, I feel like a whole new world is emerging in front of my eyes.
On the path of wholeness and of becoming a mature human being, my Soul longs to welcome and embrace more lost/rejected pieces Home.
Perhaps, just perhaps, the feminine aspect in me is strong enough to meet her counterpart and welcome him Home now.