I am finally here. It feels like my feet moved for an infinity but it's only 6 years to be exact.
6 years. 2190 days. What started as a one-year sabbatical journey extended into a 6-year pilgrimage. Would I have left everything and walked out of my old life, had I known I'd be on the road for the next 6 years? I am not sure. Well, isn't that the sweet mystery we're living? We simply don't know.
Actually if you ask me what I learned during this journey (and continue to learn), I would say "living with not knowing" and in connection with that "letting go and letting come". My journey started with a severe burn out after which I had found myself without dreams and visions. Empty in the present moment. For a mind conditioned to strive for future actions and to believe one's self worth in terms one's doing, that kind of emptiness was quite a shock. I had exhausted myself with endless projects, only to hide behind the veil of mindless work hours, not to feel the pain. When I finally faced my burn out and decided to step out - because I couldn't simply continue as it was -, a vast space welcomed me. And so began a journey of disintegration and unlearning into the wild embrace of a mysterious world..
But now it's not the time to write about the journey. This piece is about homecoming and being here and now. Sitting on my balcony and listening to the last cicadas of the season in this cool September night, drenched in silence and awe.
Home is not just four walls around you, I came to understand this during my pilgrimage. Home is the hearth where the heart is nourished. Where the soul sings. Where the body rests. Where the candle burns on the sacred altar. Where the prayers are made. Where the creativity flows abound. Where the friends are hosted. Where the space embraces you like a passionate lover and holds you as long as you need it. Where the inner wildfire meets the inner waters to make love...
I don't know how long I'll stay here but I am here now. I can take my time, swing into the rhythm of this place at my own pace. Until life holds my hand and invites me to dance into new places. And then I can come back and take refuge again in the spaciousness of my being, supported gently in the hearth.
I feel the preciousness of this moment, I feel my own vulnerability and I feel so alive, taken by the embrace of the beloved.
Into the not-knowing I continue to journey...
I am home, on the way Home.
And today is a great day to ask my favorite question:
"Who am I today?"
Open to the longing to return home, to rest in your true nature, as no one. Give everything to know the fragrance of this archaic homesickness, to be that vessel in which pure, tender, non-special love may come like a wildfire into this world, erupting through your body and your heart, leaving nothing but ashes of grace in its wake.