our inevitable not-knowing and the solace of tears

"Tears are a river that take you somewhere.  Weeping creates a river around the boat that carries your soul-life. Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off dry ground, carrying it downriver to someplace new, someplace better."
Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I am grateful when the tears come. 
Like today, they sometimes arrive out of the blue, and as soon as I sense their imminence, I sit up straight and welcome them. 
I sit up straight, in reverence, and welcome them, in humility,
as they are the uninhibited, free messengers of the Soul, one of the purest expressions of the heart,
innocent and authentic. 

Tears do lift my boat off the rocks, off the dry ground and carry it somewhere new, somewhere better.
With this trust, I surrender and allow myself to be purified and carried by this sacred water. 
I celebrate them as part of the feminine expression I've been longing for most of my life. 
Because most of my life, my eyes were a dry well and my heart a bedrock of covered up emotions,
until I found that hidden, sore spot - like a tender acupuncture point - which opened up like a magical gate to multitudes of forgotten and abandoned parts of myself. 
Life's never been the same since. 

Ironically, the more tears I allowed, the more breath, depth and joy sanctified my life. 
My boat was indeed off to a better place. 

Isn't suffering directly related to our obsession with good, light, more, bigger, better, happiness, success,
and even enlightenment (nice paradox)?
Isn't that why tears are forsaken, for the sake of the laughter? 
Isn't grief eagerly bypassed, death painfully ignored only to swim in the shallow waters of life?
Isn't the mystery sacrificed for the sake of knowing and control, or rather the illusion of power...over life?
Isn't the feminine in exile because of our infatuation with the masculine? 

Today my grief surfaced from my and our subtle resistance to not-knowing,
from pretending to know or acting like we HAVE TO know: 
this way please. the right way. we have to go this direction. I must do something. I should have an answer. 10 steps for transformation. new year resolutions, new moon intentions. which guru to follow for enlightenment? let's stop climate change before it fucks us. we can teach you how to be rich and successful, the leadership/guru academy! We know the BEST, the RIGHT, the POPULAR. the most brilliant TED talk. Let's change this ailing world! 
step this way please. 

One more brilliant idea and I am over the edge. 

I sometimes want to scream "Stop!", stop this madness, please stop and let everything sink deeply into our consciousness, allow ourselves to  f e e l  this profound moment, this great sorrow, this tremendous opening and potential hidden in the core of collapse and trying times. The gift is hidden in the wound. 

I don't mean to disrespect the genuine efforts of generous hearts out there, serving this world's infinite needs/problems - I bow to them in gratitude - but I am longing for the deep silence of Life and the vulnerability of the fragile life forms,
the cool, dim shades between polarities,
the softness of the heart which is painfully aware of impermanence and curiously observant of emergence. 

I am deeply longing to step into mystery with you rather than telling you what I know or hearing what you know. 

My prayers are answered. I have found the crazy lovers who are eager to step into the mystery with me and others. 
We called ourselves SIMORGH and we will travel together to seek and find, to learn and unlearn, to embody the essential, inherent wisdom hidden in the fabric of our lives. 

As we are trying to find our way with SIMORGH, and listen deeply to what kind of learning ecosystem we are co-creating, a voice in me whispers the following to those who want to journey with us...

  • We are not going to give you answers but probably confuse you more though we will show you how to do that well, how to sit rooted and confident in your own confusion, how to hold space for disturbance.
  • We won't have text books but poetry and songs and stories, the distilled wisdom of ages and sages in beauty-form. 
  • We are not going ask you to follow any gurus or a particular teaching but the guru in your heart and the mystery of life as the greatest teaching. 
  • We are not going to teach tools for healing or saving anything or anyone, including yourself, but demonstrate how to keep your heart broken open in relationship with the devastating beauty of the world, eye to eye with grief, terror, and rage along with gratitude, joy and celebration.
  • We are not going to guide you in the direction of light but what is real, true and authentic whether it embodies shadow or darkness, honoring everything that belongs to life, that is of life. 
  • We are not going to share secrets with you about power and success but might walk with you to the center of your longing and vulnerability where your true power resides. 
  • We are not going to offer you THE truth; we will hold space with you to find and express YOUR truth, your gift, your service. 

Our invitation is not the right, best, safest path that lands you in the promised future;
our true invitation is for a mytho-poetic journey to step beyond the right and wrong towards the center of your Soul,
into the dangerous territory of not-knowing and laborious practice of Presence,
where you might dance with a few dragons, learn a few Bollywood moves, and end up falling in love with yourself and life. 
By giving up the privilege of "knowing", we open up to greater possibilities, greater stories and greater cosmologies than what we can foresee through the lens of established reality. 

"Finally I am found in being lost"