I have been riding the big scary dragon of fear for some months now.
I've dealt with fear before but not like this. not this intense, not this demanding, not this overwhelming.
Ever since I welcomed my emotions back into my life as messengers of Soul, rather than unwanted strangers against whom I had to numb myself, they have been becoming allies - grief, anger, shame, envy.
But fear...that cold, paralyzing, suffocating sensation that threatens to claim my sanity is not my ally yet, "oh how do I relate with you" I want to write ballads to it only with the hope to get a break from the firm grip of this relentless companion.
It has taken the living sunshine out of me some days, this dark primal energy and kissed my mouth silent. I had to dance with the demons of my mind in grim basement corners of my psyche again and again.
I am being initiated into relating to fear - perhaps the most common and pervasive emotion in the collective right now - and how to transmute it into an ally. I am not sure if the point is to become fearless but rather to learn to live generously, creatively and compassionately despite the fear. And to be in dialogue with this strange ally without losing touch with one's center and connection with the Sacred.
How can I not let myself be swept off my feet and tumble in this relationship? how do I get up and keep moving even if I come down in holy disgrace? how can I dig deeper underneath this ruthless teacher and absorb the nutrients of its bittersweet teachings?
I just have been trying to do that over the past months and I am still in the process, so I cannot offer great wisdom or strategies to ride your fear like a boss.
But what I feel I am coming close to understanding is this:
The fear (of anything, but ultimately of death) is the fear of Life.
The fear of rejection/abandonment is the fear of love.
The fear of commitment is the fear of freedom.
The fear of failure is the fear of my own power.
If one can be with this paradox - not even understand it, solve it, master it - just be with it, it will illuminate some of the most intricate aspects of being human.
In the depths of my fear and sorrow, when I allowed myself to be in the pure emotion with no resistance or defense, I found the most vulnerable longing for union and it tasted like love. When I allowed myself to fully feel the heartache, going through that threshold, my heart simply expanded into what I know to be as unconditional love.
and boundless gratitude.
I invoke COURAGE and COMMUNITY to go through these days of darkness. for all of us.
and I keep asking myself: "How can I live fully, wholly, and holy in the darkest hour?"